Good Old Mr. Personal Sabotage

I have a lot of bad habits...and they're hard to break. I hit the snooze button on my alarm every morning. Twice. I stay up late until 11:00 watching TV, reading or to finish crafts (it's the only "ME" time there is). I personally, but subconsciously, attempt (and usually succeed) to sabotage every diet or weight loss attempt/program I embark....

I did it again last night.

Picture this:

There I was, minding my own business and making my kid's school lunches. Paige likes ham & cheese, Coleton Nutella, and my little 4 yr old Jadyn likes good ole' PB & J. Pretty routine night, aside from coaching my volleyball team's practice, my team also had a scrimmage, which made for a late dinner for the kids and rushed bedtime. So, anyway...back to the lunches. After I made their sandwiches, it was time for the chips. We only buy baked, because if they HAVE to have chips (and my kids HAVE to have chips) then those are better than the alternative. Jadyn likes pretzels, Coleton likes Baked Lays, and Paige likes Pop Chips. (am I a nice mom, or what?! such personalization.) I closed up the chip bags, except for the Pop Chips, and continued with the lunches and putting things away, all the while, subconsciously snacking on the Pop Chips. I had eaten about 20 before I even noticed that I was stuffing my face!

"MELANIE!" my brain was screaming. "WHAT the HECK are you DOING?!?" You see, not only should I not have been eating Pop Chips, but I shouldn't have been eating ANYTHING since yesterday was day 1 of my cleanse.

CRAP. That nasty old MONSTER of a habit, named Personal Sabotage (that I was doing SO WELL detaining) figured a way out of MY CONTROL. There it was, silently slithering it's way back into my life, desperately trying to snatch any control or success I had acquired. He was angry, he was ugly, and he was determined. This is what he looks like:

You know what though? This time Mr. Personal Sabotage did NOT win. He did not succeed in dampening my spirits or deterring me from my goal. No, he did NOT. I reeled that bad habit back into his hole and double locked his cell because I AM IN CONTROL.

We'll see what, if any damage, the sabotage attempt had, but at this point, all I can do is move forward.

After reflecting on the event a little this morning and last night, I've noticed a mean lingering headache and strong snacking urges this cleanse. The past 3 cleanses haven't been nearly as difficult to remain strong...but this cleanse happened to fall on my TOM. While I will complete this cleanse, in the future, as this is my first month on Isagenix, I've decided that cleansing during my TOM isn't a good idea for me. I am feeling tired and this headache will not leave. It may be a little too much for what I can handle. I'll continue to play things by ear, and adjust as necessary for what feels right for me.

I am so proud of myself. Not only did I survive my first sabotage attempt, but I'm not beating myself up about it. I'm not depressed, I'm not reliving it, I'm not discouraged! Old habits are hard to break, and your body will fight you and test your strength, but in time, old habits will be replaced with new habits. Until then, I'll just keep on keepin' on and do my best to remain in control.

Plain and simple...PLANNING is KEY

3 weeks COMPLETE, and I feel FABULOUS!

I weighed in this morning at 205.2. I started at 215.6, so in 3 weeks, I'm down 10.4 pounds. That's 10.4 pounds NOT during a cleanse, and after a weekend of (GULP) eating at a restaurant! A real, solid 10.4 pounds GONE!!

Not bad! ~ 3.5 pounds a week loss is some pretty good numbers! Yes-sir-ree Bob.

My weight loss goal is to lose 2 - 2.5 pounds a week. That way, by the end of my 6 month "trial" I'll hopefully be down 50 - 60 pounds. I say "trial" because it's quickly becoming apparent to me that this is not a "diet"...it is becoming my life...my way of eating for life.

Yes, I know that there will be some weeks/months that are slow going. Yes, I know that there will be some occasions that lead me to eat in ways I know may not be the best...BUT, I know that this is a way of life, and I need to learn to accept, embrace and plan for those times. I know that I can no longer eat what or when I want and expect that I'll remain the same weight or lose. I can't say I ever REALLY thought that way; I've always been conscious of my eating habits. I've always KNOWN that when I made a choice to order a hamburger with fries I was hurting myself. I usually made healthier choices, but I defiantly allowed myself to bend on the rules, and by bending I mean breaking into a million pieces.

My problem was that I would do so well for a week, and then reward myself with a weekend (not a meal) of very unhealthy foods. I would make excuses for my poor dietary habits when I fell off the wagon by claiming that I was too busy to have anything other than fast food. I would feel bad for eating fast food, and would say, "Well, you're already breaking your diet rules, so why not order a LARGE fries rather than a small." or "Well, you already ate that yesterday, so might as well eat this today." Then, after time, I would be so disgusted with my poor decisions that I would just give up.

Somehow, today, this commitment seems easier. I don't know if it's because I'm older and more disciplined (aka desperate) or if it's because Isagenix really just seems to FIT into my lifestyle. I like to think that it's both reasons...but this is THE LONGEST, honestly, that I have gone without cheating, beating myself up about it, ultimately leading to such guilt that I ended up quitting all together.

I was pretty nervous for this weekend. Until this weekend, I've never been face to face with the temptation to eat off protocol. My life has been scheduled...consistently busy...therefore it's been easy for me to pack within my limitations without even feeling like they were limitations...which I guess they're really NOT anyway. This weekend, however, I knew we were going to be going out to lunch and a Diamondbacks baseball game. I expressed my fears to the Accountability Group, and one girl said the following quote that I intend to keep and live by for the rest of my life:

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

How true, how true, HOW TRUE!

I got to thinking...we live in the digital age. Most restaurants make available caloric counts for their menu items...so there was no reason I couldn't go online and chose what to order NOW so that when we sat down at the restaurant, I wasn't overwhelmed, under estimating or tempted to order something I shouldn't. SCORE! I decided on a great grilled chicken salad that was only 318 calories. On the big day, I ordered my salad, brought my own ff raspberry vinaigrette, and was SO FULL I couldn't even finish my meal! The restaurant we went to is famous for their 22" hot dog, called "The Unit", and I knew I wanted to try it. My dad and his wife ordered it, and so I asked for a BITE..and that's all I took. It was DELICIOUS and just what I needed to fill my craving, without the danger of calorie overload. At the baseball game, we told the kids we would get them ice cream. Knowing that I would have the temptation to eat one of my own, I pre-planned to allow myself 3 small spoons of the kid's treat. BELIEVE IT OR NOT...I had 3 small spoonfuls, and THAT was IT! I felt so satisfied that I wasn't missing out, and so proud that I was in control. ME. MOI. MYSELF.

What a feeling it is to have my control back. It has been missing for SO LONG!

I am so thankful. I am thankful for my Aunt, who introduced me to Isagenix and for her constant support and encouragement. I am thankful that I have FINALLY found a program that not only works, but makes me feel good and fits like a glove in my incredibly busy and stress-filled life. I am thankful that after 12+ years fighting my weight and hating myself, I am optimistic and determined that THIS IS MY TIME. I am thankful that my husband is such a constant supporter, who gave me a high 5 and huge hug when I announced my 10 pound loss this morning. I am thankful for my kids, who still watch me every morning to see if I make a face when I take my shot of Supreme. I'm thankful that I'm allowing myself to be happy, because I feel so gosh darn good these days.

Miracle pill this may not be. Perfect program for me, it most certainly is.

3rd cleanse...week 3

I have been sleeping SO WELL. It's amazing. For the past 3 days, I've actually woken (is that a word? Sounds so awkward) up 10 minutes before my alarm sounds. I've been lying in bed, awake and ready to start my day. It is such an amazing feeling. I feel so revived and stress free, and NOTHING in my life has been altered but the addition of Isagenix. I still have an incredibly rushed and stress-filled life. I still have 3 kids who morph from angels to demons in seconds. I still have a full time job, homework assignments & projects to help with, and 3 different sports to shuffle (one of which I coach).

And yet, I seem to be able to handle it better, because I am rested and resilient.

I just re-read my melt down post, and would like to apologize for my momentary loss of control...but I'm not going to. I'm not sorry for anything that happened, for anything that is happening, or anything that may happen to me on this journey. It is what it is...and the uncensored, ugly truth of my story is what will help me (and hopefully others) remember that every struggle makes me stronger. Every obstacle, melt down, incredible feat and event stands as a testament to my accomplishment.

In case you're not aware, I've signed up to do a 1/2 marathon in February. February 19, 2012, to be exact. I'm kind of starting to freak out about it. I need to kick it up a notch and get my butt moving! I know I can do it, I did it 2 years ago, but I was in such better shape and I had a friend do it with me. See? Here we are at the finish line...


This time, I think I'm going solo.

Yeah...freaking out just a little.

I need to keep reminding myself that no success comes without a lot of hard work or pain.

"PAIN & SUFFERING ARE THE BLESSINGS THAT NO ONE WANTS"

I want them.

I want the results that I know come from the blessing, the result that I know I will never achieve just by want alone.

Now if I could just figure out how to make the days a little longer so I could find time to start working out....I think I'll use my new found rested mind & body to my advantage and start waking up 45 minutes earlier!

So What's my Story?

I've had a few messages on Facebook about my story and how long I've been struggling with my weight. I figured, I could write them all the same answer, or I could just point them here to read my story along with you.

Once upon a time, I was born. In 1977 to be exact. I am the 2nd eldest of 6 kids. During my early childhood, weight was never an issue. I was a skinny beanpole.

In my late teen years, I put on a little weight. Not so much that I was fat, but enough to become self conscious and have my mom talk to me all the time about my eating habits. I was a size 10-12. Oh, what I'd give to be in that size again!!! I graduated high school in 1996. See...here I am.
Directly after high school, I joined the Army. I had 9 months until deployment, and spent some time with the sergeants training for boot camp. But I was bored, despite already having a job, so I started working at Kohl's. Shortly after starting at Kohl's, I met my now husband. We knew right away that we were soul mates (insert the awww's). After 3 months of dating, and confirming that we knew we were to be married one day, I made the choice to not sign my final Army enrollment forms.

We were married when I was 20. My husband had full custody of his 8 year old son, so I became an instant Mom. Our first daughter was when born when I was 21. In order to survive and pay bills, I worked the night shift and my husband worked days. Since my step-son was in school and our daughter was a newborn, I ended up being awake in a catatonic state for 18-20 hours a day.

I ate to stay awake.
A lot.
And so began my "real" struggle with weight.

When my daughter was 9 months, we moved from IL to AZ. I didn't know anyone, but adjusted to our new home, and got pregnant with my son.

After my son was born in 2001, I started my dieting regime. I tried Metabolife, Herbalife, Apple Cider Vinegar, some Chinese tea, Weight Watchers, Curves, and even Isagenix for a week or 2.

Yeah, the diet market made thousands off of me, and I failed to complete each and every weight loss attempt. This is me in 2003 at my brother's wedding.
I am in the purple...why did ANYONE allow me to wear that dress?!?! (as a side note, all the kids there are mine! Aren't they cute?!)

Anyway, so as you can see...I had gained a lot of weight, and wasn't doing a very good job of losing it.

I hit an all time personal best (worst) at 254 pounds, but it never stopped me from trying to lose. My problem was, and still is, that I get successful losing 10-20 pounds over time, but in 2 months, I'd gain 20-30 back.

In 2005, at my all time high, I got pregnant with my last daughter. I'll never forget my OBGYN telling me that I was way too fat. Every time I went in for a check up, I was reminded and scolded for my weight. That was the ONLY pregnancy that I watched my weight with, and when I had my daughter, I was actually 10 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight.
After my daughter's birth, I knew that losing weight was possible. I did my best to watch my eating. My motivation? My sister's wedding. There was NO WAY I was going to do a repeat of my brother's wedding photos.

No. Way.

In addition to healthy eating, I used to work out a lot. I joined a gym, did Nutri-Systems and then Jenny Craig. By the time her wedding came around, I had lost a total of 40 pounds...in about 11 months. Here is our picture at her bridal shower & me with my youngest at the wedding.



So, fast forward to today...I've been able to keep MOST of the weight I lost off, but feel like a yo-yo when I step on the scale. Try as I may, I cannot seem to dip below the nasty 200 number or freaking size 18 pants. It drives me crazy.

So, when I heard my Aunt telling me how much faith she has in Isagenix, I thought I'd give it another try. After all, in all honesty, I didn't give it a fair shot 10 years ago when I tried it, and I defiantly didn't have a personal coach to help me when I needed it.

Today I am more mature. More determined. More controlled. More deserving.

Today, I truly believe that I am worth the effort. ME. I am worth the end goal and I deserve to be healthy and happy. Of course for my kids and husband, but also for ME.

So, here is the last of my before pictures. I feel confident and determined that I will never cringe at my picture again as I do so to every single one in the past.

This WAS me struggling with my weight.


I cannot wait to show you how I look in 6 months!

It's My (Pity) Party, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

This was a hard weekend for me. I can't tell you one thing in particular that made it "hard" but a lot of thing combined, topped off with a dumb decision to weigh in prematurely, put me in a tailspin headed straight for self destruction.

The pity train made a special stop at my front door, and I didn't hesitate at all to hop aboard. I was so depressed. I cried. I yelled. I sent my kids to bed promptly at 7:30 so that I could wallow in my self pity for the rest of the night. I lashed out at my husband, telling him I just wanted to be left alone. I vented on the accountability group, only to sneer at all of the helpful comments/advice people offered. Yeah, it was pretty ugly.

I always do this to myself. I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY.

I purposely "hid" my scale from sight (as in took it out of my bathroom and put it downstairs in a cupboard) because I know that the fluctuating numbers have been the source of my demise may times before. I KNOW THIS. I thought that by hiding it from sight, only allowing myself a ONCE A WEEK weigh in, I would eliminate the possibility for disappointment. I thought that this time I would be immune to the "2nd week blues."

I was wrong.

I'm still feeling discouraged this morning. Not as much as last night, but not nearly as energized or optimistic as I have in the past. The good news is that I've just pulled the cord to stop this pity train and get off. Parties aren't very fun when you're the only guest.

Today is a new day. A fresh start. A new attitude.

Today will be better, because I say it will be. Today the numbers won't be able to tell me how I'm doing; I'll know by how I feel. It is so important for me to remember, that on this journey, I am in charge. I am the one who decides which train to board; the train leading to pity-town or the one headed to happiness and success. The happiness and success train, I've found, is a lot more fun to be on!

First 9 day cleanse....completed

Quick summary of recent events:

• September 5 - The day I drank my first ever Isagenix shake
• 215.6 - My starting weight on 9/5/2011
• September 12, 2011 - One week on the Isagenix program
• 211.6 - My weight on 9/12/11
• September 16, 2011 - 9 day cleanse complete
• 205.2 - My weight this morning.
  

Now, if you're following along, and can do simple math, that's a total of 10.4 pounds in 9 days!

I stepped on the scale 3 times, then had my 4 year old step on it, and then I tried again. Every time, it was 205.2. I am still in shock.

Now, I'm not gong to say that I'm not thrilled with the amazing results in just 9 days, but I'm still cautious and not giving my hopes up. I've been here before; great initial results that taper off to plateaus and then regains. Like many of you, I feel like I've tried everything:

Weight Watchers (twice)
Jenny Craig
HCG (twice)
Slim Fast
Diet pills too many to recall or count
and even a more drastic measure that I'm still not ready to fess up to

Each and every attempt I have failed.

Did you read that right?

I HAVE FAILED.

My self control & will power fizzle out. My motivation, drive and determination seem to fade as early as 1 week in. I hate it. I know it's me. I've always known it was me and not the "diets". I'm sure all of them would work if I were willing to make them work, but I always quit. I give in to temptation. Food binges and cravings always seem to consume my thoughts and quickly cloud my judgments to where I can no longer see my goals.

But, on this I swear, NOT THIS TIME!

I really can't tell you why I fell like "THIS TIME" is different. I just feel like it is. I feel like I am finally so tired of failed attempts and broken promises that for once, I have enough determination to follow through...to FINALLY have an after picture. I feel like, for what ever reason, this program, this new way of eating, this ISAGENIX, is just the right fit for me. I'm never hungry. It's is so CONVENIENT and SIMPLE (both of which I know are crucial to my commitment), and I don't feel like I am even trying! I don't WANT for anything. I don't CRAVE anything. I don't MISS anything. Truly, honestly and seriously...I don't. It is so WEIRD!! I don't miss ANYTHING...I'm never hungry! To sit at work or home and NOT be craving food is the most odd and AMAZING thing! To not have food on my mind all day long is, in itself, remarkable. I can't explain it, but I know I like it, and I know it's what I need to succeed.

My husband has always been a huge supporter of my weight loss attempts. Truth be told, he's always been a huge supporter period, even when I wasn't attempting weight loss. He loves ME, not what I look like, and tells me that all the time. My family on the other hand (with the exception of 2), really aren't very supportive or optimistic that I'll succeed this time. I'm sure it's most likely since I have attempted SO MANY TIMES and tried everything under the sun already. Why should they be? I'm a chronic quitter.

I want to prove them wrong.
I want to make my husband proud to have me on his arm.
I want to meet customers with my head held high in cute outfits and high heels.

For once, in 15 years, I have real hope, real visions, that those dreams are possible. I'm a hopeless romantic and hopeful skeptic.

Yes. I. Can!

Life is a highway.....

Quick entry here today, as I thought of a great analogy/persuasive argument for people who want to lose weight but think it costs too much.

I was driving into work and the song, "Life is a Highway. I want to ride it all night long!" came on.
Great song.
It was in my head all day.

I got to work, still humming that song, and this idea came into my head.

If life is a highway, then I am the car. My BODY is my vehicle. My one trusty source of transportation, from the day we're born to the day we die. Why wouldn't I do ANYTHING...EVERYTHING...to maintain it and make sure it's running in tip top shape??

We, on average, spend over $500/month on our mechanical cars, just to HAVE them and make them run. That doesn't include their maintenance or repairs. On average, we only have those mechanical vehicles for 5-8 years before we trade them in for another, more expensive, car.

If we're OK with spending that kind of money on a car that we only keep for 5-8 years, why the heck aren't we OK with spending less than half of that on our personal bodies (cars) that we keep for 80+ years?!?!

And, though it's well known that if you don't keep up with maintaining your mechanical cars, they're sure to have shorter lifespans and frequent breakdowns, we seem to forget that the same is true with our bodies.

And so my friends...Life IS our highway. And I personally, really do want to to ride all LIFE long.