Breaking the cycle

Wow! There were 3 negative/depressing posts in a row. 3 posts detailing about all the things I've done wrong and how I've failed myself.

Well, not this one!

This post is to journal the good things. The decisions I've made that were good. Because, after all, there cannot be "bad" unless there is a "good", right?

In the (almost) 2 months I've been on the Isagenix program, I....

• haven't had a single fast food meal. Not one. My family occasionally insists on bringing the mouth watering, but oh so bad for you, "food" home...but there is never a meal for me. I say NO. I opt to drink a shake or eat a bar. And that makes me proud.
• haven't had a sip of soda...or anything other than water, for that matter. HOLLAH
• have made a conscious effort to work out at least 3 times a week
• have noticed my clothes fitting more loosely
  
• have been so aware of everything I eat. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G
• have been trying to accept that this is a new lifestyle...not diet...and that it is what will ultimately get me to my goal weight of 150
• have taken a liking to the shakes and snacks
• have cleansed at least 1 day every week
• have FINALLY dropped into the 100's again.

While they may be small victories...they ARE victories. I, for one, am so thrilled to be on the road to health and happiness.

2 days later, and I'm back on track

Everyone has bad days. If you claim that you NEVER have a few in a row, I would call you a liar.

We're human. We're not perfect. That's what makes us who we are.

I have 3 beautiful, wonderful and loving kids. They are my whole world. PERIOD. As their mom, I get to teach them the tools and lessons that they will use time and time again in life. I teach them how to be kind, generous and to love themselves others. I teach them to be in control & responsible for their actions. I teach them that they will fail many times before they succeed, but that they must always keep trying because each failure teaches a lesson and makes them stronger. I tell them every day how much they are loved and how important it is to love yourself. I teach them that the only opinions that really matter in life are God's, their parents and their own.

Yet, even though I am a very good teacher and an excellent Mommy, I have to admit that over time, I've become a pretty crappy student. Sometimes, it's necessary to take a step back, shut-up, and (on rare occasion) let your students become your teacher.

Last night, as I was washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen, my 12 year old daughter came up to me and told me that she could tell I was losing weight, and that I looked great. I did my automatic response of, "No, I haven't. I'm still so fat." Then she said,

"Mom, why are you always putting yourself down?
You need to learn to accept a compliment and realize that you are doing a really good job."

That shut me up.

She was absolutely right. A 12 year old put me in my place.

How can I expect others to support me, to believe in me and to encourage me, when I can't even accept a compliment? The bottom line is, until I believe in myself, until I can encourage myself and love myself (faults and all), neither will others around me.

So I made a few mistakes and have been a victim of my self sabotage...who hasn't? Time to put my big girl panties on, learn from my mistakes and keep trying. I can't get to my goal weight by sitting in self pity. I'll never be on the "stage of victory" if I don't climb the steps.

1 Corinthians 9:24: Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it.

And that, my friends, is what I'm going to do. I'll see you at the finish line. I'll be the one crying and accepting compliments.

Mind Hunger

I'm afraid that I've been struggling.

There is trouble in paradise.

So, you get to read it, and judge me (or not), because this is where I need to record my...umm...faults...so that I can learn from then and move on. This is where I journal every good and bad moment, to recollect when I meet my goal...to remind myself just how much I fought to be there.

I have been so weak these past few days. Seriously, a mentally weak fool.

I've given into every occasion that my "mind hunger" surfaces, that good old monster named Personal Sabotage.

I've eaten cookies, chips (a lot), and even CANDY, POPCORN and FRIES. What is wrong with me?!? I KNOW they are bad. I KNOW how hard it will be to straighten back out once I "let" myself give in. I KNOW how much energy and effort it takes to burn just a tenth of what I've eaten. And, despite knowing that, despite telling myself while in the act, I continued to eat.

Gosh, I feel like such a failure. Like such a little weak minded fool. Like the me who wants to stay strong and on-course was pushed into the corner and forced to stay there watching in disgust while Mr. Sabotage ate away. An now, here I am, left with the aftermath of my weakness.

Am I really THIS weak? Am I really THIS broken?

I referred to my vision board for some encouragement...and this caught my eye:

A bad day is OK. A bad week, not so much. Giving up? Not an option.

Ok, so I fell off the wagon...again....

The only time I have truly FAILED is when I stop trying, right?

Lord, give me strength to keep my priority and goal in sight. Grant me the strength to keep my mind hunger and monsters at bay and the will to overcome their temptations. Give me the strength I need to be in control of my body and mind, and the power to say no and walk away.

Amen.

2nd month comfort dangers

Today is week 5 for me and my Isa journey. I've found that since I did so well with my first month, I'm slowly becoming more lackadaisical with my eating habits and strictness.

This is not good.

I've been allowing myself to eat baked tortilla chips and salsa as part of my meals, rationalizing the chips as my carbs and the salsa as my veggies. I've been allowing myself to be careless with my eating schedule, which in turn ignites my hunger pangs to become ravenous, thus willing me to over eat.

This is not good.

I've been more relaxed and prone to temptation when it surfaces, and even noticed once that I was eating while in conversation just because the snack food was out! Oy vey!!

This is not good!

I have suffered the consequence for my nonchalant and reckless attitude; I haven't lost a single ounce in 2 weeks.

Zip. Zilch. Nada. And, I know, it is completely MY fault.

One thing that is good however, is that I recognize it. I own it. I am accountable and ready to self correct. Ready to get back on the horse and act as though this is my first week, not my 5th. Ready to take my weaknesses and errors and play them to my advantage by revamping my routine.

Alterations will be as follows

1. Typically, based solely on the day I started Isa, my cleanse days are Wednesday & Thursdays. Not anymore. Weekends are the days when I actually spend a little time at home, thereby allowing myself to make poor choices due to bountiful temptations. Therefore, the weekends are now going to be my new cleanse days.
2. I am a snacker. There, I've said it. I like to snack at social gatherings, when my kids and I get home and start homework, when I watch TV... While I can subdue MOST of these urges/habits, there are times when snacking is beneficial to my body as well as my mind...like in between my shake/meal/shake. Therefore, every weekend, while I'm cleansing, I will prepare pre-measured snack bags of items allowed items that are suitable for snacking (almonds, apples, walnuts, isa delights). Why snack baggies? Because, for me, convenience is key.
3. It is easy for me to get discouraged and lose sight of my ultimate goal when I don't SEE radical and daily results. I know that is unrealistic, still, it's the truth. I made a vision board to help inspire me every morning and to remind me that I can do this. The sale is NOT my friend. No, it is not. I promised to only weight myself once a week, but I lied. I really need to hold true to that promise and only weigh in on measure days, which is every 2 weeks. A bit brash? Perhaps. But it is definitely what I need.
4. Since I am so easily discouraged and tend to lose focus, I made a vision board. It will be posted, much to my husband's dismay, on our bathroom mirror. I need to see it every morning; to read the words that I feel motivate and compel me to be my best "me". I will also write little post it notes in subtle and hidden spots to remind me when, let's say, I open the chip cabinet, that should I make that choice, I will be sabotaging myself. Little phrases like, "It takes an hour of brisk walking to burn off a handful of chips. Is it worth it?
   
5. While many people tend to make excuses for their inability to exercise CLAIMING that they don't have time, I really don't have time. Therefore, I need to figure a way to squeeze it into my very well organized and full schedule. Excuses are just reasons for people who don't want to try. That isn't me. I can walk/jog during my son's football practice and when my daughter is in her dance class. There. Problem solved.

So, routine tweaked...mind redirected...ready for month # 2